High Class humor, advice, and happiness (if you're lucky)

Bolton’s Brief Rule #144: I’m always satisfied with the best. – OW

photo 1 (8)

 

Yeah.  That applies to spouses, jobs, stations in life, or even on the clothes you’re wearing tomorrow.  As Nancy Reagan would say, “Just Say No.”

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: the weed edition

more than a dandelion to me

more than a dandelion to me

Listen, it’s Monday and if you value your yard, you probably hate dandelions as much as you hate Mondays, but for me, dandelions will also always mean the onset of summer and, well, making mud pies with dandelions and pine needles as a child.  Can’t be all bad, right?  Sometimes, it’s the little reminders that bring a good day.  Happy Monday!

l. #206 Tips to loving your body even in your Fat Jeans

A hog may be fat but he makes bacon - what's not to love?

A hog may be fat but he makes bacon – what’s not to love?

How do you become happy with how your body looks?  By not focusing on it!  Okay, sure, you could work out every day for endless amounts of hours…unless you have a real life, real job, and a real family.  You could choose to eat a half a sandwich once a day and starve the rest of it…unless you want to look like a Halloween skeleton decoration.  Or you could get plastic surgery because it’s a little more important than paying your taxes anyway, right?  Quit checking the mirror for wrinkles, stretch marks, and irregular eyebrows.  (However, it is okay to check for nose hairs.  We won’t argue with that!)

I will be honest.  I have struggled with my weight since I was in 3rd grade.  I was called fat, tubby 4×4, chubby, and everything else in between.  Needless to say, those things stick with you.  In fact, they can haunt you and make you doubt yourself.  At this point in life, I realize that it was more about the person calling me names than it was about me, but it doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt and that it’s easy to get over.  Whether you were called fat, skinny, 4-eyes, or gross, you have to learn to overcome it.

 

Do I still curse the rolls of flab when I’m trying to get dressed to go to a wedding where an ex-boyfriend will be?  Hell yeah.   Will that happen when I’m 90?  Probably.  Hey, the nursing home bingo night might be a star-studded affair.  Who knows?

 

I will probably always have weak moments where I feel more like a hippopotamus than a gazelle, but there are plenty of moments where I honestly don’t give a damn.  How do you have less moments of hippopottamie and more moments of Scarlet O’Hara?

Here are some ways that work for me:

1.  Get busy.  (And I don’t necessarily mean doin’ it. lol.)  I mean do other things.  When I am really busy with work, social life, and family, I’m not thinking about how my white fat is uglier than tan fat.

2.  Be with the right person.  It is my belief that if you are with the right person, they love you just the way you are and it’s a lot easier to love yourself if someone is saying nice things about you and your body.  If someone’s not saying nice things about you or your body even if it’s 250 lbs., get rid of them!!  Alone with your own thoughts is better than negative thoughts of another.  They don’t deserve you.  None of your flaws outweighs your goodness.  I guarantee it.

3. Do something nice for other people.  It is my experience that when I have done something like scoop my neighbor’s driveway or take food to the Food Pantry that I can’t hate on myself because I feel too good about myself.

4.  Think about you from others’ standpoints instead of your own.  Your daughter loves you because you make her peanut butter and jelly for lunch or she hates you for making her clean her room, but she will never love or hate you based on the 2 extra pounds you weigh or because you have a freckle next to your ear.  Your friends love you because you call and let them vent when their crazy family starts a roadkill cleanup business or when their neighbors are busted for a meth lab and they had no idea or because you make the best margaritas in town.  At no point are they basing their friendship with you on how much you weigh.  I promise you I have never been to a funeral where they announced things like “She weighed 171 pounds and didn’t exercise enough.”  Oh no.  No, they say things like “She took my kids out for ice cream when I was ready to kill them.” Or “She always had a smile on her face.”

5.   Tell yourself this mantra every time you get anxious about your situation:  “Be comfortable in your own skin.”  Honestly, when I tell myself that, take a deep breath, and smile, all is well again.  One simple little phrase I learned from my husband makes all the difference.  A comfortable person makes everyone else comfortable.  The end.

6.  Don’t go overboard. If you’re saying that’s all well and good, but my health sucks because I eat too much, I throw up what I eat, or I might get cancer if I keep neglecting it, then by all means, take time to address the issue.  Schedule a time to make improvements each week.  Go to the gym twice a week.  Get your teeth cleaned.  Go see a counselor.  Just don’t obsess.

 

Here’s the thing.  Life should never be about your flaws. We’ve all spent too much time on what we do wrong instead of what we do right.  You only become happy with your body when life is not about your body, but about the person you are.

 

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What do you obsess over?  Have you struggled with weight, looks, or possible character flaws?  Feel free to contribute any tips you have or thoughts you have on the subject and as always, please share if it strikes you to do so.

Bolton’s Brief Tip to Life #143: double down on crappiness

143

 

Misery loves company. Seems like this happens all the time.  We’re unhappy so we try to make someone else unhappy.  Good plan!  Let’s all hate life and breed contempt for the world at large.  She says sarcastically.  (And possibly ironically as she tries to not be that girl, but on any given day, she may be.)

 

 

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: Oops! Lick it or Like it at Runza?

Like it like Clooney?

Like it like Clooney?

 

Okay, it’s Monday, and the last thing you want to do is be at work.  Welcome to the crowd!  But just realize that your Monday could get a lot better if you swing by Runza to pick up a kick burger.  You can lik it or like it, but if it involves Clooney, how can you go wrong?  I prefer the corn dog nuggets and/or Matt Damon.  I’m not sure what that says, but either way, thanks, Runza, for the laugh on a Monday!

#205: Tips for Candy-less Easter Baskets that won’t Get you Egged!

Candyless Easter Baskets???

Candyless Easter Baskets???

So you need a candy-less Easter basket?  How sad is that?  My sympathies to you or the receiver of your basket!  Maybe you’re one of those do-gooder types that doesn’t want your kids to founder on candy or maybe your recipient is diabetic or maybe your elderly mom can’t chew tootsie rolls like she used to.  Whatever the reason, I’m here to save the day!  In my attempt to be a more helpful blogger, I have tips for filling your Easter basket sans candy (But trust me, it’s okay to sneak in a few Reese’s.  Nobody will complain!).

A baby calfie will do!

A baby calfie will do!

*Can’t put a solid chocolate bunny in the basket?  No worries.  Put a real bunny in it!  Or a hamster, a guinea pig, kitten, puppy, or if you live at my house, a baby calfie would work!  New pets are always a pleaser!

*Want something a little simpler?  No prob.  What about a mix cd for someone older or an iTunes gift card for someone younger?  We all like a little car-dancin’, don’t we?

*Filling a basket for little kids?  Buy a box of crayons and a coloring book.  Who doesn’t like a fresh box of Crayolas?  Or if it’s for someone older, I’m all for notecards and stamps.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, likes to go to the post office, right?

*As far as I’m concerned, Easter is a signal that summer is approaching.  That said, I’m a big fan of stocking that Easter basket with a Super Soaker.  Water guns are a never-miss even with adult children (like your spouse) lol.

*What makes children and adults happy?  Food!  I promised a candy-less basket, not a foodless one!  Buying for the really little kids?  Cheerios and Go-gurts are a hit.  Older kids – what about supplies to make Jell-O jigglers or trail mix?  And for the adult kids – how ‘bout the makings for homemade pizza or a round of margaritas?  Woo-hoo!

*Tickets.  And I don’t mean the speeding kind!  For the younger kids, something like Disney on Ice or if you’re in the Omaha metro, there’s great places like The Rose or season passes to the Henry Doorly Zoo.  Teenagers will be happy to see movie tickets or concert tickets (some of the summer outdoor ones at county fairs are cheaper for your frugal types).  And for those adult children, concert tickets or tickets to a baseball game are can’t-misses, plus you might get to go, too!

Why not flip-flops and beach towels?

Why not flip-flops and beach towels?

*I’m also a big fan of flip-flops and beach towels.  With kids, you know they’ll get used!  And who doesn’t want a pair of flip-flops to wear to the office on Fridays?

*Finally, if you really need a great idea, try giving them deodorant! The world would be a better place with more of that!  Who doesn’t want a nice smell like flowers and showers instead of teen spirit! Lol.  Add in some lotions, powders, toothpaste, a manicure kit, anything they might actually use that won’t sit around the house collecting dust!

*Other options?  Books, DVDs, action figures, photo albums of family pictures, theme gifts – movie stuff, horses, kitchen stuff – utensils, mixes, etc., magazines, punch balls, ear buds, and garden seeds.

Listen, a candy-less Easter basket doesn’t have to be the lame Easter basket my aunt gave me.  It really can be fabulous!  No candy… No problem!

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Do you have an Easter basket item you remember getting?  Plan on using any of these ideas?  Got any other things you’d add to my list?  Be sure to let me know in the comments below.

Bolton’s Brief Rule #142: it’s bad, but it’s not THAT bad!

A rose by any other name would not...

A rose by any other name would not…

Seriously.  There have been some crappy days lately.  Sometimes the weather is not our friend and sometimes our friends are needed elsewhere.  Sometimes there are medical conditions and nightmare co-workers, but at the end of the day, sometimes you just have to laugh.  And when I need that solid reminder that my drama is not as bad as I think it is, I remember that at least my parents had the decency not to name me Willahocuspocus.  Yes, people, it happens.  Celebrate not being that person!

Celebrating 4 years of writing for you aka “4″ a good time, call…

Monkey See, Monkey Do.

Monkey See, Monkey Do.

This post is brought to you by the number 4.

Why?

Well, it’s 2014.

It’s the year of my 40th birthday.

It is my 4 year blogoversary today!

And that is what I’ve been hinting for!

 

So what did I do in honor of my 4-year anniversary?  Besides dropping some cash on it to go self-hosted so that you will now find me at this new address: www.boltoncarley.com?  (Which, by the way, why don’t you go ahead and bookmark that bad boy or join my email update list?  Thanks so much.)  You may have noticed I have a new picture and name:  Blue Jeans and Bologna.  What made me go with that?  Well, if you know me, you know I’m a blue jeans kind of girl and if you know my husband, you know he’s a bologna sandwich kind of guy.  And if you know both of us, you know we’ve both been accused of being full of baloney, or bologna, as Oscar Meyer spells it!  Plus, it seemed better than The Best Little Ha Ha House in Nebraska (figured some of you might be too young for the pun).  Anyway, it seemed only fitting that as we start a new year with new content and some new surprises, we start with a new name.

But, well, I kinda figured we should also celebrate like everyone else celebrates their anniversary…with some 4-play (ha ha – hence all those hints I’ve been giving) and a little Hump Day delight!  So being that my hubs and I act like children (Or let’s just go with my hubs does.  Sorry, honey, for throwing you under the bus, but we all knew it anyway!), I thought you might want to laugh with us on this very special day in my world.

Let’s start it off with a bang!

Happy Hump Day!

Happy Hump Day!

Thanks for playing!

Jump on!

Jump on!

Hold on!  It’s gonna be a crazy, new year!

Baaa-ck for more!

Baaa-ck for more!

The more the merrier!

3's a party!

3′s a party!

But it’s not a party till the pinata breaks!

Party on!

Party on!

 

Listen, it’s all fun and games till the lights go out!  Or is it vice versa? Either way, I’m back for another year!  I’m so thankful for all of you that chose to be here to celebrate with me.  This road is not an easy one, and I prefer to laugh along the way.  For all of you on that road with me, thank you.  I hope you won’t regret it. lol.

Let’s do this thing!

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Got a favorite post you’d like to mention?  Have a topic you think I should cover?  Any pictures on your phone you’d like to add? Have an anniversary story we just have to hear?  Or do you have any thoughts on my blogoversary?  It’d be great to hear from ya.   And as always, I love when you share my blog with others! :)

 

l. # 203 – Kayley Cuoco, I really think you’ve made better decisions

Dear Kayley Cuoco,

It is all over the internet that you got  larger breasts at 18.  I know you don’t know me, but I just want to say that I would have loved you either way.  For the life of me, I don’t understand what prompted you to get a boob job (for lack of a better term).  I just don’t get it or why it was the best decision you made. I kinda thought all your acting decisions were pretty good ones.

I mean, I love you.  I dare say I have a girl crush on you.  And I bet money many a guy has “enjoyed himself” shall we say over you in that Wonder Woman costume, but I think they would have either way.  Seriously.

I think you’re fabulous.  I loved you in To Be Fat Like Me.  I loved you in 8 Simple Rules.  I loved watching you cheer on your sister on The Voice, and I love you in The Big Bang Theory.  Every.  Time.  Even in the re-runs my husband watches endlessly.  (BTW, thank you so much, TBS.)  And it sure doesn’t hurt that your character is a tough Midwestern girl from Nebraska – way to represent!  The only way I’d love you more is if you’d been one of the Saved By The Bell cast members, too.  Just sayin’.

So here I am pondering your theory that the surgery was “the best decision you ever made,” and I can’t wrap my mind around it.  If it made you happy, then by all means, so be it.  I’m all for every person being happy.  I just really hope it wasn’t out of insecurity, a need to please men, or a necessity to keep your job.  Oh, how I hope that wasn’t the case.  As a well-endowed girl myself, we both know they will get you notice, but they will never bring you the kind of happiness we all search for.  Now, chocolate, ice cream, wine, or saying “Suck it!” to your ex might, but big mammojammas won’t.

Does this information do you any good at this point?  Probably not, but if the urge strikes you to change anything else, give me a call.  I’ll be more than happy to talk you out of it.

Bolton’s Brief Rule #141: freak flag waver

freak flagger

freak flagger

 

Hey, if there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that we’re all a lot more understanding and nice when we know the score.  So wave it high and boldly.  It’s best if we can see you comin’!