High Class humor, advice, and happiness (if you're lucky)

Bolton’s Brief Tip to Life #143: double down on crappiness

143

 

Misery loves company. Seems like this happens all the time.  We’re unhappy so we try to make someone else unhappy.  Good plan!  Let’s all hate life and breed contempt for the world at large.  She says sarcastically.  (And possibly ironically as she tries to not be that girl, but on any given day, she may be.)

 

 

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: Oops! Lick it or Like it at Runza?

Like it like Clooney?

Like it like Clooney?

 

Okay, it’s Monday, and the last thing you want to do is be at work.  Welcome to the crowd!  But just realize that your Monday could get a lot better if you swing by Runza to pick up a kick burger.  You can lik it or like it, but if it involves Clooney, how can you go wrong?  I prefer the corn dog nuggets and/or Matt Damon.  I’m not sure what that says, but either way, thanks, Runza, for the laugh on a Monday!

#205: Tips for Candy-less Easter Baskets that won’t Get you Egged!

Candyless Easter Baskets???

Candyless Easter Baskets???

So you need a candy-less Easter basket?  How sad is that?  My sympathies to you or the receiver of your basket!  Maybe you’re one of those do-gooder types that doesn’t want your kids to founder on candy or maybe your recipient is diabetic or maybe your elderly mom can’t chew tootsie rolls like she used to.  Whatever the reason, I’m here to save the day!  In my attempt to be a more helpful blogger, I have tips for filling your Easter basket sans candy (But trust me, it’s okay to sneak in a few Reese’s.  Nobody will complain!).

A baby calfie will do!

A baby calfie will do!

*Can’t put a solid chocolate bunny in the basket?  No worries.  Put a real bunny in it!  Or a hamster, a guinea pig, kitten, puppy, or if you live at my house, a baby calfie would work!  New pets are always a pleaser!

*Want something a little simpler?  No prob.  What about a mix cd for someone older or an iTunes gift card for someone younger?  We all like a little car-dancin’, don’t we?

*Filling a basket for little kids?  Buy a box of crayons and a coloring book.  Who doesn’t like a fresh box of Crayolas?  Or if it’s for someone older, I’m all for notecards and stamps.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, likes to go to the post office, right?

*As far as I’m concerned, Easter is a signal that summer is approaching.  That said, I’m a big fan of stocking that Easter basket with a Super Soaker.  Water guns are a never-miss even with adult children (like your spouse) lol.

*What makes children and adults happy?  Food!  I promised a candy-less basket, not a foodless one!  Buying for the really little kids?  Cheerios and Go-gurts are a hit.  Older kids – what about supplies to make Jell-O jigglers or trail mix?  And for the adult kids – how ‘bout the makings for homemade pizza or a round of margaritas?  Woo-hoo!

*Tickets.  And I don’t mean the speeding kind!  For the younger kids, something like Disney on Ice or if you’re in the Omaha metro, there’s great places like The Rose or season passes to the Henry Doorly Zoo.  Teenagers will be happy to see movie tickets or concert tickets (some of the summer outdoor ones at county fairs are cheaper for your frugal types).  And for those adult children, concert tickets or tickets to a baseball game are can’t-misses, plus you might get to go, too!

Why not flip-flops and beach towels?

Why not flip-flops and beach towels?

*I’m also a big fan of flip-flops and beach towels.  With kids, you know they’ll get used!  And who doesn’t want a pair of flip-flops to wear to the office on Fridays?

*Finally, if you really need a great idea, try giving them deodorant! The world would be a better place with more of that!  Who doesn’t want a nice smell like flowers and showers instead of teen spirit! Lol.  Add in some lotions, powders, toothpaste, a manicure kit, anything they might actually use that won’t sit around the house collecting dust!

*Other options?  Books, DVDs, action figures, photo albums of family pictures, theme gifts – movie stuff, horses, kitchen stuff – utensils, mixes, etc., magazines, punch balls, ear buds, and garden seeds.

Listen, a candy-less Easter basket doesn’t have to be the lame Easter basket my aunt gave me.  It really can be fabulous!  No candy… No problem!

***

Do you have an Easter basket item you remember getting?  Plan on using any of these ideas?  Got any other things you’d add to my list?  Be sure to let me know in the comments below.

Bolton’s Brief Rule #142: it’s bad, but it’s not THAT bad!

A rose by any other name would not...

A rose by any other name would not…

Seriously.  There have been some crappy days lately.  Sometimes the weather is not our friend and sometimes our friends are needed elsewhere.  Sometimes there are medical conditions and nightmare co-workers, but at the end of the day, sometimes you just have to laugh.  And when I need that solid reminder that my drama is not as bad as I think it is, I remember that at least my parents had the decency not to name me Willahocuspocus.  Yes, people, it happens.  Celebrate not being that person!

Celebrating 4 years of writing for you aka “4″ a good time, call…

Monkey See, Monkey Do.

Monkey See, Monkey Do.

This post is brought to you by the number 4.

Why?

Well, it’s 2014.

It’s the year of my 40th birthday.

It is my 4 year blogoversary today!

And that is what I’ve been hinting for!

 

So what did I do in honor of my 4-year anniversary?  Besides dropping some cash on it to go self-hosted so that you will now find me at this new address: www.boltoncarley.com?  (Which, by the way, why don’t you go ahead and bookmark that bad boy or join my email update list?  Thanks so much.)  You may have noticed I have a new picture and name:  Blue Jeans and Bologna.  What made me go with that?  Well, if you know me, you know I’m a blue jeans kind of girl and if you know my husband, you know he’s a bologna sandwich kind of guy.  And if you know both of us, you know we’ve both been accused of being full of baloney, or bologna, as Oscar Meyer spells it!  Plus, it seemed better than The Best Little Ha Ha House in Nebraska (figured some of you might be too young for the pun).  Anyway, it seemed only fitting that as we start a new year with new content and some new surprises, we start with a new name.

But, well, I kinda figured we should also celebrate like everyone else celebrates their anniversary…with some 4-play (ha ha – hence all those hints I’ve been giving) and a little Hump Day delight!  So being that my hubs and I act like children (Or let’s just go with my hubs does.  Sorry, honey, for throwing you under the bus, but we all knew it anyway!), I thought you might want to laugh with us on this very special day in my world.

Let’s start it off with a bang!

Happy Hump Day!

Happy Hump Day!

Thanks for playing!

Jump on!

Jump on!

Hold on!  It’s gonna be a crazy, new year!

Baaa-ck for more!

Baaa-ck for more!

The more the merrier!

3's a party!

3′s a party!

But it’s not a party till the pinata breaks!

Party on!

Party on!

 

Listen, it’s all fun and games till the lights go out!  Or is it vice versa? Either way, I’m back for another year!  I’m so thankful for all of you that chose to be here to celebrate with me.  This road is not an easy one, and I prefer to laugh along the way.  For all of you on that road with me, thank you.  I hope you won’t regret it. lol.

Let’s do this thing!

***

Got a favorite post you’d like to mention?  Have a topic you think I should cover?  Any pictures on your phone you’d like to add? Have an anniversary story we just have to hear?  Or do you have any thoughts on my blogoversary?  It’d be great to hear from ya.   And as always, I love when you share my blog with others! :)

 

l. # 203 – Kayley Cuoco, I really think you’ve made better decisions

Dear Kayley Cuoco,

It is all over the internet that you got  larger breasts at 18.  I know you don’t know me, but I just want to say that I would have loved you either way.  For the life of me, I don’t understand what prompted you to get a boob job (for lack of a better term).  I just don’t get it or why it was the best decision you made. I kinda thought all your acting decisions were pretty good ones.

I mean, I love you.  I dare say I have a girl crush on you.  And I bet money many a guy has “enjoyed himself” shall we say over you in that Wonder Woman costume, but I think they would have either way.  Seriously.

I think you’re fabulous.  I loved you in To Be Fat Like Me.  I loved you in 8 Simple Rules.  I loved watching you cheer on your sister on The Voice, and I love you in The Big Bang Theory.  Every.  Time.  Even in the re-runs my husband watches endlessly.  (BTW, thank you so much, TBS.)  And it sure doesn’t hurt that your character is a tough Midwestern girl from Nebraska – way to represent!  The only way I’d love you more is if you’d been one of the Saved By The Bell cast members, too.  Just sayin’.

So here I am pondering your theory that the surgery was “the best decision you ever made,” and I can’t wrap my mind around it.  If it made you happy, then by all means, so be it.  I’m all for every person being happy.  I just really hope it wasn’t out of insecurity, a need to please men, or a necessity to keep your job.  Oh, how I hope that wasn’t the case.  As a well-endowed girl myself, we both know they will get you notice, but they will never bring you the kind of happiness we all search for.  Now, chocolate, ice cream, wine, or saying “Suck it!” to your ex might, but big mammojammas won’t.

Does this information do you any good at this point?  Probably not, but if the urge strikes you to change anything else, give me a call.  I’ll be more than happy to talk you out of it.

Bolton’s Brief Rule #141: freak flag waver

freak flagger

freak flagger

 

Hey, if there’s anything I’ve learned it’s that we’re all a lot more understanding and nice when we know the score.  So wave it high and boldly.  It’s best if we can see you comin’!

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: You can’t go alone. Can you?

Back 40 Bathrooms!

Back 40 Bathrooms!

Oh, Monday, you’re an evil sort!  Oh, how we hate to see you coming, but rule #1, friends make everything better.  And girls, as you well know, you can’t go to the bathroom alone!  You gotta love it when things are set up for you that way. lol.

So how do you make your Monday better?  Well, they can’t fault you for having to take a little toilet break.  No matter that it might be an hour long or there might be more giggling than peeing.

And if you dare to venture in alone, are you a creature of habit?  Do you use the same one every time?  Or do you check your options and decide based on tissue or toilet cleanliness?  Hey, those are the real ponderings of a Monday morning.

So Happy Monday!  May it be a little unique, a little fun, a little bit funny, and worthy of a texted toilet photo.

l. #202 – it’s that time of year… so scream at the TV or pack your bags but get over it!

the calendar says it's spring

the calendar says it’s spring

So it’s that time of year where the winter doldrums haven’t quite faded even though it’s supposed to be spring. (You hear that, weather gods!!!  S-P-R-I-N-G.  SPRING!  Bring it!)  Here we are in the thick of being tired of winter and in dire need of a vacation (or at the very least a little grilling to avoid a few extra dishes).

I will be the first to admit that I sometimes struggle with depression, especially when I’m past ready for umbrella drinks in the sun!  I always hate this time of year because inevitably this is the time of year where everyone is officially sick of everyone else.  I swear it’s Lord of the Flies out there right now.  It’s every man for himself.  It’s that time of year where we go after other people in our state of anger instead of dealing with our own shit or just being silently jealous.  We roll our eyes at the mother who’s 4 children are stealing candy at Walmart.  We bite someone’s head off if they offer us chocolate because why did they not realize we were on a diet?  We hate on our co-worker because she got roses.  Um, yeah.

This is the time of year where others are rocking back and forth in catatonic states with their childhood teddy bear.  For me, this is the time I start to lay low or remind myself that at least my husband loves me.  I truly think this is a really tough time of year.  I hate when people turn on one another.  And believe me, I know I am guilty of the same.  I catch myself doing it and shame myself into trying to correct the problem.  As they say in AA, the first step is realizing you have a problem.  And when I do, I start fixing my mess.  Here’s how I do it:

*Amazingly enough, I don’t recommend excessive drinking, just so you know.  I do recommend yelling at the TV and cursing your Ohio State-ruined brackets instead.  Better the TV than some person who can hold it against you forever.

*Go outside.  Even if you have to grill in your parka or walk in your Carhaarts.  You gotta do what you gotta do.  There’s vitamins in that there sun even if it’s 30 degrees.

*Make vacation plans or fun-outing dates.  You need something to look forward to.  A baseball game in May, hotel reservations for your cousin’s wedding in June, a girls’ weekend to go shopping at the outlets, or a roadtrip to fish in Minnesota.  Just put something on the calendar that doesn’t involve work or your kids’ practice schedule.

*Check out some new music – fun, let’s-get-to-summer music.  I suggest Rum by the Brothers Osborne.  It’s a good place to start.

 

*Then, start making the world around you happier.  Make chocolate chip cookies with your kids.  Send a care package to your best friend.  Take flowers to your elderly neighbor.  Go to church with your mother.  I know I say this all the time, but the best way to feel better about yourself is to change someone else’s day.  Nothing makes me feel better when I’m hating the world than the world smiling back at me because I gave ‘em a donut.

 

Listen, I know how easy it is to bitch when the cards are stacked against you, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t bitch.  I’m just saying to be selective with whom you bitch to, and I’m saying that it’s better to be thankful than miserable.  There was a time in my life when I had a hard time remembering that, and I don’t ever want that for me or you again.

So when you get done lamenting, pick up your sad sack of a self and put some goodness (in the form of Reese’s peanut butter cups, Dairy Queen blizzards, Redd’s Ale, or your best crocheted doily) out into the world.

You’ll never regret it.

I never do…

Bolton’s Brief Rule #140: driveways, good men, and chocolate!

good men do

good men do

 

Listen, I know nobody wants to think about snow on the first day of spring, but the 30′s are near again, and I sure do like a man that knows his place…in the driveway and in the grocery store! :)