High Class humor, advice, and happiness (if you're lucky)

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: zombies, Reese’s, and you never know what…

Blair Pumpkin Heads!

Blair Pumpkin Heads!

It’s Halloween week.  It’s a time when freaks fly their flags, zombies walk at midnight, and normal people hand out the good candy.  But whether your week will have it’s fair share of Elsas or Freddy Krugers on your street, embrace the unexpected like pumpkin heads with.  You never know what the week will bring!

Happy Monday!  Boo!

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: rock, paper, Spock, or not

rock, paper, scissors...

rock, paper, scissors…

 

It’s Monday and you may, or may not have, played a game of “should I get up and go to work today?” with yourself.  Nobody’s here to judge.  But if you are an avid fan of The Big Bang Theory like I am, or even if you’re not, maybe you need to take today up a notch. No reason to let it being boring.  Make decisions the logical way today – rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock.  :)  After all, it’s almost Halloween.  Let your freak flag shine. Maybe you’ll get featured on Fun with Flags soon. :)

Have a great Monday!

Secrets of the Rockettes and a little piece of NYC in the Big O!

The Christmas Spectacular!

The Christmas Spectacular!

So I got to meet the Rockettes – the shiny, sequined ones that kick their legs really high – yeah, them.  And it was freaking cool!

NYAC compressed

I was excited before, but now I can’t freaking wait to go see the Radio City Music Hall Rockettes perform here in Omaha next month! I mean, the lights, the glitz, the costumes, the legend.  OMG!

It’s less than a month away!!!!!!!!!!  Woo-hoo!  I mean, seriously, how often do I get to see the same performance in Omaha that they see in NYC???  Sure, we have guys that wear corn cobs on their heads and Warren Buffett, but they have Broadway and Times Square.  I’m just sayin’ I want my little piece of the apple!

I’m tellin’ ya, the Rockettes rock!  Why?  If it’s not obvious, let me help you out.  Here are 10 reasons I’m pretty positive they kick…ass…and really high in the air!:

10. They dance, basically on one leg in high heels.  Need I say more?

9.  And um…they kick in synchronicity, like a million times a night.

Wow!

Wow!

8.  People, they do their own hair and make-up.  Can you even freaking imagine that many girls doing hair and make-up and changing their clothes 15 times during a performance?  Seriously.

7.  They are a staple at the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade, right there with Tom Turkey and Santa Claus.  Not bad company if you ask me. (Oh, and there’s that whole major nationally known Radio City Music Hall in NYC that you might have heard of, too…unless you’ve been living under a rock toking up in Boulder!)

6.  Puh-lease.  They wear sequined leotards without having to wear Spanx.  OMG!

5.  They have no cellulite.  They, like, kick and eat healthy shit so they can wear those costumes that fit like granny panties.

No touchy-touchy here!  Who knew?

No touchy-touchy here! Who knew?

4.  They are anti- sweaty backs.  Do you know that they don’t even touch when you see their arms interlocked?  And you know why?  It’s icky.  Can you imagine how much kicking, lights, and reindeer costumes make you sweat?  Yeah.  Think about that.

3.  They are rule-followers.  They stand a certain way.  They eat foods to stay healthy you couldn’t pay me to eat.  When I mentioned the bar and drinks, they giggled.  Hello, good role models.

2.  They work for it.  You have to try out every year.  You have to dance hours and hours every day.  You have to eat healthy.  You have to memorize the routines that are drawn out basically like a football playbook.  You have to wear those costumes even when your antlers can get hooked on somebody else or your shoe can fly off and hit an audience member, and, yes, it does happen.  And they have ice baths, not pillow fights after performances.

And the #1 reason they rock:  They have to look happy…all the freaking time!  Easier said than done, my friends.  Easier said than done.

Here’s the thing:  I have always been impressed by the Rockettes.  I can’t and couldn’t do it.  Wouldn’t even want to try, but I remember growing up watching them on the Macy’s parade and on the Today show around Christmas.  I remember a great episode of Project Runway where they designed costumes for them.  Honestly, I just have mad respect for synchronized dance numbers.

I love the music.  I love the glamour.  I love the show.  I appreciate the effort involved and bottom line, it makes me smile.  And who doesn’t want more of that???

I haven’t been to New York City.  If it’s up to my hubs, I’m guessing we won’t.  lol. But here is my chance.

Here is my chance to have New York City in Omaha and I’m taking it!  I’m so freaking excited to go see what I’ve only seen on TV!  And it’s your chance, too.  They only pick 2 cities a year and Omaha was freaking one of them!  So here it is, guys.  Let’s go see what they’ve all been talking about!

New York at Christmas

Radio City Christmas Spectacular

Shows run November 13 – 30th

7:30pm performances at The Orpheum

Tickets can be purchased at Ticket Omaha

 

Oh, and yes, they gave me free tickets to write this, but seriously, I would have bought tickets anyway.  Actually had it marked on the calendar, no lie.  I’m all about  an American classic.  So bring on Christmas and bring on the Rockettes!  I’m ready!  Are you?

 

Fabulousness Factor 10 Friday: Wings, Beer, and Frank!

 

Frank!

Frank!

 

Well, it’s Friday, and we’re all tired of dealing with morons passing in No Passing Zones and spreading their germs via sneezes all over the back of your neck.  The good news is that there are still a few amazing people out there that can make you laugh, forget about the idiots, and drink a beer with ya, and it’s my job to bring those people to you!  Today, I’d like to introduce you to Frank.  He probably doesn’t remember this, but the first time I met him I was his substitute teacher.  No lie.  As a teacher, he may have made me shake my head.  As an adult that appreciates a good sense of humor and the difficulty of surviving your teenage years, I adore him!  After not seeing him for years and years, I’ve run into him a few times at events in my hometown.  The guy is in the limelight for his job, but he clearly cares, too, and that’s pretty rockstar in my opinion.  So if you like mani/pedis, you’ll like Frank.  And if you don’t like ‘em, you’ll like Frank.

Without further ado, meet Frank:

 

What is your greatest love in life?  (Feel free to go all Whitney Houston on that)

 

I feel like this is a loaded question, like I HAVE to say my wife, Shiloh and daughters, Coretta and Frankie…and I do love them all, very very much, but if those are the givens then I have to say Radio is my next love. I’ve wanted to be radio since I was 8 years old…so I am quite literally, living the dream. But my first loves are my girls…tied with Buffalo Wings and Beer.

 

What is your biggest annoyance/pet peeve?  (Be sure to explain yourself in full detail so we can be frustrated with you!)

 

I used to say that the thing that annoyed me most was how people bought old cop cars, so when you see them at a distance, you slow down, or how at night I stuck behind them doing the actual speed limit, because I am too much of a pussy to pass a cop, I think we are all. As I say all this, I have come back around to that being my number 1 annoyance.

 

If you had super hero powers, what would be your first act in fixing the world? (world peace comes to mind – lol)

 

I feel like this question is pandering…because I am a comic geek/sci fi nerd…I mean, what kind of superpowers do I have it this scenario? My preferences have changed over the years, from Superman-like attributes, to something simple, like teleportation, so I no longer have to travel long distances with screaming kids…priorities. But 1999 Frank’s first act to save the world, Tyranny…I would declare myself supreme ruler…Actually that seems like a lot of work. Maybe require nap times?

 

What’s the best advice you’ve ever gotten and who bestowed it upon you?

 

I lived with Rick and Marsha Sternberg for a while in High School, I think that’s where I learned that you have to work hard to get what you want. I think that’s the most valuable lesson anyone can learn. Work hard for what you want, and you’ll always appreciate what you have.

 

What’s your Guilty Pleasure (scrogging or Facebook stalking are both completely acceptable answers – lol)?

 

I haven’t heard anyone say scrogging in years, actual years. I’d like to see that make a comeback…as far my guilty pleasure? I like to chew…but that’s a lame answer, and you want better answers than that, so I will admit, that I like pedicures, they are the best…way better than contorting my foot up so I can hack at my toenails with Swiss Army knife. If they had a service that would come to my house and give me a pedicure, I would have the best toenails in the business.

 

 

If you have a business or a cause you’d like to promote, add your link here or attach a picture and give me a description.  (It’s okay if it’s simply to Spay and Neuter your Pets!) 

 

Be the Match – Bone Marrow registry, it’s super easy to do and you could save someone’s life. I tell people about it all the time. I hear people say that they wouldn’t do it because it hurts the donor…to that I say, “It hurts a lot less than fucking dying.” I joined the registry a couple years ago and have been a match for two people. Unfortunately they weren’t healthy enough for the procedure so I couldn’t be any help. I think you could do a lot of cool stuff in the span of your existence on earth…win awards, see amazing places on vacations, build a house with your own hands, raise your children to be exceptional and happy…but if you could save another human beings life, I mean be the person that allows them to enjoy EVERYTHING that everyone should get to, that would make a little pain worth it all.

If there’s anything you’d like to add, here’s your chance to put it out to the world:

 

Seriously, listen to me Weekdays 6-10am on 96.5 KSOM or on the web at 965ksom.com. I’ve won awards and shit.

 

Author’s Note:  I’m all for the nap time!

Have something to say to Frank or something to add?  Let’s hear it.  Or do you want to share Frank’s funny answers with the world, hit the Share key.

 

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: the House of Torture a synonym for…

Torture Museum

Torture Museum

I couldn’t think of a more appropo pic for today than this one.  Should your job go in this museum or should it be exclusively for our least favorite day of the week:  Monday?  You make the call.

But either way, I hope your day is less torture and more quickly approaching ancient history!

Happy Monday!

 

Bolton’s Brief Rule #153: go-to outfits in lieu of insanity

 

photo 2

Tis the season for weddings, Homecomings, showers.  I just gotta say some people have an LBD, some have their fat pants, and some have their Chanel suit from 1981, but if you’ve thrown all the other stuff in your closet on the bed or floor and you know you look like shit in them all, then you gotta go to your go-to.  Like the jeans in the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, there’s nothing like the security of your go-to, the token item in your closet that always gets you compliments just like mac-n-cheese comforts you when you missed your episode of Scandal or your boyfriend picked the game over you.  Life is about what makes you feel good when you’re feeling anything but.  So keep your go-to’s whether they be scarves, spouses, or Dove chocolates in the cabinet…

 

 

 

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: snooze and pork

 

sows

sows

So your alarm went off.  You hit snooze.  You hit it again when you realized it was Monday, and no one really blames you.  We all feel the same.  The world is sometimes out to get you.  I mean, there are Mondays and there are bathroom doors marking you as a sow.  But life is about attitude.  You can look at that and think they’re calling you a pig or you can look at it and think, “mmm…bacon.”  I like to go with bacon.  (Then again, I’m pretty sure there’s a guy connotation in there, too.  I’ll leave that one to you. lol)

So roll on into your fave bacon joint, and make this Monday a porker-of-a-good day! :)

Fabulousness Factor 10 Friday: She’s got an “O” list opinion!

Carol Cooney!

Carol Cooney!

 

It’s Fab Friday, and we are ditching the news and the cray-cray, and we’re enjoying great people worth your notice.  Today, I want to introduce you to Carol.  I met Carol through a writing group.  We instantly became members of the “back-of-the-class” cracking jokes and being wise-asses.  I know you’re shocked.  You just can’t not adore her and her musings about life and laughter.

Put on your fun hats, Carol’s in da house:

 

Hi All!

Bolton was nice enough to ask me to answer some questions for her blog. You know when someone tells you that you are something (funny, smart, good looking, the usuals) that you suddenly completely lose it and are the opposite.

That is where I am today.

But in the spirit of adventure, let’s see what happens.

 

What is your biggest annoyance/pet peeve?  (Be sure to explain yourself in full detail so we can be frustrated with you!)

At first, I was lost but now am found. I have many pet peeves.

The first one that comes to mind is that list each month in “O” magazine. You know, the “O List”. WTF! Who can afford that stuff? For example, in the April issue the following items were suggested

Polka Dot paper plates – 4 plates are $20  Four paper plates for $20!!

 

Cashmere-and-wool throws – $395  Really, $395 for a throw? It better bring warm beverages for $395

 

Soaps – 6 for $45  My Dial liquid soap smells great and it is like $6!

Looking at this list each month just reminds me of something. Oprah could buy me a car and never notice the money was missing. (This is my guide for how rich someone is. If they could buy me a car and not notice the money, then they are rich.) (I may have low standards.)

Because I am good at pet peeves, I have another one. I can’t stand posts on Facebook that are incredibly biased political rants. Really, some of those people need to get a grip. Okay, so you might have a friend or acquaintance running for office and you really believe in them.  I can see that and appreciate your feelings. I think stories portraying the entire political party as thieves and dragons reflect poorly on your intelligence.

Don’t even get me started on my neighbor…

 

 

If you had super hero powers, what would be your first act in fixing the world? (world peace comes to mind – lol)

My super power would be the ability to teach computer information so that everyone could understand it and understand it quickly. You could pick up one of the “Dummy” books and actually within minutes know how to do what you need to do. Think of the incredible hours that would save! I would also be able to herd a class of adults so that they would learn how to use the computer without asking off topic questions, trying to go ahead and then getting confused, or be the person who asked so many questions that the class never got anywhere.  I would really like to have that super power.

 

What’s the best advice you’ve ever gotten and who bestowed it upon you?

Semper ubi sub ubi mundis

 

Yes, it is Latin. No, I never took Latin. But I have a geeky son who did. Yes, he is a geek and jokes about it often. (As he pushes up his adhesive taped glasses.) He also has a good job so we can’t make too much fun of him.

 

I bought him a tee shirt with this on it for Christmas one year. It is very special advice.

 

What’s your Guilty Pleasure (scrogging or Facebook stalking are both completely acceptable answers – lol)?

Doesn’t it defeat the purpose if I tell you? (Big Sigh…) Okay, I might have a few. The first is that I told myself that I would “go with a minimalist theme” and try not to buy any clothes for a year. Of course my inbox is flooded with store specials every day. I look at them. And then somewhere when I am about to succumb to the very special buy of the day, I usually wake up and close the window and trash the email.  I need to just take away the temptation but I haven’t so far. I just keep looking.  (By the way, if you have not tried https://unroll.me/ , you should try it. It is a great tool to sort your email.)

Also, I have this thing for Cheryl’s Cookies. I think they are really really good. They are also really really expensive. (Or I am just fricking cheap…) I do send them as gifts so they send me specials all the time. The major thing that stops me most of the time is when I see the final price. It is a shock to my system and I stop myself. I just should get rid of the emails…

I also read crappy books sometimes. I am not talking romance books. I am not talking about chick lit books, I am talking about those books that are fast and really have no redeeming value. They are usually free or $0.99 for your ereader. My favorite crappy book author? By far and away it is Gemma Halliday. She has a ton of books including the High Heel Mystery series.

If you have a business or a cause you’d like to promote, add your link here or attach a picture and give me a description.  (It’s okay if it’s simply to Spay and Neuter your Pets!) J

I would love it if people would check out my book blog (www.cecooney.com). I hate the feeling that I am sending it out to the universe and no one sees it. On the blog, there are book reviews, ways to get free or cheap books, book gift ideas, and some random thoughts.

 If there’s anything you’d like to add, here’s your chance to put it out to the world:

Oh, I never explained the very special advice? “Always wear clean underwear.”  Pretty special, huh? In Latin, it looks much more important.

Author’s Note:  That’s a smart woman right there that not only knows Latin, but the really important things in life! lol.

If you’d like to comment on what Carol had to say or introduce yourself to her, please post below!  If you have something to add, go for it, or if you know someone that would love Carol, too, please be sure to pass this on.

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: Load up. It’s Monday.

Readi-Whip

Reddi Wip

Oh, Monday, you’re a handful.  I’m not your biggest fan, but if we’ve got to survive it, maybe it just needs to be a pie-eating, flask-sneaking, double-fisting Reddi Wip-kind-of-day!  I won’t tell!

Happy Monday!

Bars, Bathrooms, and Advice on the Stall Wall…

photo 2

Have you ever noticed that when you take a break from something, it’s hard to go back?  After my short hiatus from blogging, I find myself pressuring myself to come back with something impressive… which leads to more procrastination and hiding under the 15 loads of laundry also waiting for me.

 

The good news is that I hate laundry more than I hate embarrassing myself. Lol.  SO here I am back, but I kinda think you should have a little background first.

 

Remember those Life’s Little Instruction Books that we all bought back in the day with pieces of advice?  And remember how they made posters, too?  Well, a couple of months ago, I may or may not have been partaking in a good time at Whiskey Creek in Carson.  I’m sure a few of you readers out there are familiar with Marsha, who I had the pleasure of meeting that night.  We may have laughed a little.  Only a little, I promise.  Ha.  Anyway, as is inevitable in my world, I had to make my way to the bathroom.  And as any good English major would, I read the bathroom stall door which, you guessed it, had the Life’s Little Instruction Book poster on it.

 

Now, you might think it was the drinks talking, but my personal fave on the list was the “Only plant zucchinis if you have lots of friends” advice.  Something about it made me giggle out loud and honestly, still does.  I have been on the end of a table full of zucchinis.  Yes, go ahead and judge me.  But back to the real point of the matter, I told Marsha how much I loved that poster in her establishment and she told me that the guys always complain they don’t have one to read over their toilet.  And so my mission began…

 

Here, my friends, is what they’ll be reading over the pisser in Carson come Saturday night:

 

Life’s Little Instructions Bolton Carley-Style

 

Grill in the winter.  Call your mother.  Play cards as often as you play games on your phone.  Talk to your neighbors.  Take the long way home.  Sweet talk the elderly ladies in town.  Wink at the cranky ones.  Eat tacos when you sleep alone.  Long jeans and short hair, not vise versa.  Find a sport you can play when you’re old like golf or bowling or horseshoes or croquet.  Don’t judge too harshly.  It’s okay to keep your high school football jersey.  Love someone as much as your truck.  Buy the cow.  A happy wife=A happy life.  Don’t scoff.  Hide your porn. Carry a koozie.   Drunk sing.  Have a theme song.  Wave.  Wear floral print trunks with your lily white legs.  Have a signature dish you make even if it’s just scrambled eggs.  Smile in pictures.  Walk your little girl into school on the first day.  Brag about your wife and kid.  The grass may be greener but not as well managed.  Be home for supper.  Work and play:  you have to have both.  Go to a state fair.  See the Lincoln Memorial. Eat sweet corn from a roadside stand.  Play your fantasy league team – but not during church.  Dance at weddings and/or in front of the mirror.  Save for your retirement.  Celebrate opening day.  Pay your bills even if it means ramen for supper.  Smell the alfalfa and fertilize the roses naturally.  Say “ladies first.”  Wear out the couch cushion.  Read a book, even if it’s Dr. Seuss.  Have a good “repair guy” on speed dial.  Be the marrying kind.  Try the house specialty.  Don’t shake it more than twice.  Cry at funerals or when your team wins the trophy.  Honor beer thirty on Fridays.  Always be the guy who’d wear the white cowboy hat in the movie…

 

So there you have it.  Hopefully, it’s the perfect combo between serious and funny and helpful, but not girly.  And well, if it isn’t, no worries.  I’m sure they’ll just have another beer!

***

Is there a piece of advice you’d add?  Did I get it right?  Have you been to a watering hole with great stuff in the bathroom that you need to tell us about?  Do tell.  And feel free to share this with all that might need some solid advice right about now. :)