High Class humor, advice, and happiness (if you're lucky)

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: Load up. It’s Monday.


Reddi Wip

Oh, Monday, you’re a handful.  I’m not your biggest fan, but if we’ve got to survive it, maybe it just needs to be a pie-eating, flask-sneaking, double-fisting Reddi Wip-kind-of-day!  I won’t tell!

Happy Monday!

Bars, Bathrooms, and Advice on the Stall Wall…

photo 2

Have you ever noticed that when you take a break from something, it’s hard to go back?  After my short hiatus from blogging, I find myself pressuring myself to come back with something impressive… which leads to more procrastination and hiding under the 15 loads of laundry also waiting for me.


The good news is that I hate laundry more than I hate embarrassing myself. Lol.  SO here I am back, but I kinda think you should have a little background first.


Remember those Life’s Little Instruction Books that we all bought back in the day with pieces of advice?  And remember how they made posters, too?  Well, a couple of months ago, I may or may not have been partaking in a good time at Whiskey Creek in Carson.  I’m sure a few of you readers out there are familiar with Marsha, who I had the pleasure of meeting that night.  We may have laughed a little.  Only a little, I promise.  Ha.  Anyway, as is inevitable in my world, I had to make my way to the bathroom.  And as any good English major would, I read the bathroom stall door which, you guessed it, had the Life’s Little Instruction Book poster on it.


Now, you might think it was the drinks talking, but my personal fave on the list was the “Only plant zucchinis if you have lots of friends” advice.  Something about it made me giggle out loud and honestly, still does.  I have been on the end of a table full of zucchinis.  Yes, go ahead and judge me.  But back to the real point of the matter, I told Marsha how much I loved that poster in her establishment and she told me that the guys always complain they don’t have one to read over their toilet.  And so my mission began…


Here, my friends, is what they’ll be reading over the pisser in Carson come Saturday night:


Life’s Little Instructions Bolton Carley-Style


Grill in the winter.  Call your mother.  Play cards as often as you play games on your phone.  Talk to your neighbors.  Take the long way home.  Sweet talk the elderly ladies in town.  Wink at the cranky ones.  Eat tacos when you sleep alone.  Long jeans and short hair, not vise versa.  Find a sport you can play when you’re old like golf or bowling or horseshoes or croquet.  Don’t judge too harshly.  It’s okay to keep your high school football jersey.  Love someone as much as your truck.  Buy the cow.  A happy wife=A happy life.  Don’t scoff.  Hide your porn. Carry a koozie.   Drunk sing.  Have a theme song.  Wave.  Wear floral print trunks with your lily white legs.  Have a signature dish you make even if it’s just scrambled eggs.  Smile in pictures.  Walk your little girl into school on the first day.  Brag about your wife and kid.  The grass may be greener but not as well managed.  Be home for supper.  Work and play:  you have to have both.  Go to a state fair.  See the Lincoln Memorial. Eat sweet corn from a roadside stand.  Play your fantasy league team – but not during church.  Dance at weddings and/or in front of the mirror.  Save for your retirement.  Celebrate opening day.  Pay your bills even if it means ramen for supper.  Smell the alfalfa and fertilize the roses naturally.  Say “ladies first.”  Wear out the couch cushion.  Read a book, even if it’s Dr. Seuss.  Have a good “repair guy” on speed dial.  Be the marrying kind.  Try the house specialty.  Don’t shake it more than twice.  Cry at funerals or when your team wins the trophy.  Honor beer thirty on Fridays.  Always be the guy who’d wear the white cowboy hat in the movie…


So there you have it.  Hopefully, it’s the perfect combo between serious and funny and helpful, but not girly.  And well, if it isn’t, no worries.  I’m sure they’ll just have another beer!


Is there a piece of advice you’d add?  Did I get it right?  Have you been to a watering hole with great stuff in the bathroom that you need to tell us about?  Do tell.  And feel free to share this with all that might need some solid advice right about now. :)

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: Jesus, couldn’t we have had 6 days?

monday mmm


Sweet Jesus, it’s Monday!  Still trying to decide why we needed that 7th day – and I don’t mean Sunday!  But whether you’ve downloaded him (lol) per the suggestion on this bumper sticker, talked to him, or prayed to him, I sure hope bumper-sticker Jesus brings you a good Monday and that he walks with you today.  Oh, how I hope he walks with all of us today.

Happy Monday!

(p.s. – he is a pretty good guy to have on your side.  i recommend it.)

No wavering! You Know you wanna be at Junkapalooza this weekend!

Oakland Junkapalooza!

Oakland Junkapalooza!

To quote Sara Bareilles, the best part about having your own blog is that you get to “say what you wanna say.”  So today, I’m telling you that if you are in the tri-state area, you should come to Oakland, Iowa this weekend for Junkapalooza.  You don’t know what it is?  Why the hell not?  Go here to learn more.

But back to why you need to be there.  I’ve got reasons.  I’m sure you’re not shocked. But they’re good, so they deserve noting.


1.  Cheesy homemade spiral fries directly out of the fryer and ooey, gooey homemade brownies made from one of my best friends from high school who has absolutely never made anything I didn’t like (and if you know me, you know how effing picky I am)!  If that’s not a good enough reason, you’re crazy!  But I’ll continue…


No excuses!

2.  Who cares that you’re tired or you have a volleyball tournament, soccer tournament, counseling for your cat, and 25 loads of laundry, all the cool kids are going to be loitering on Main Street chatting, reliving old times, and getting some sweet deals on cool shit.  Yes, you can quote me on that.


Difficult People!

3.  Christmas is 16 Fridays away.  Here’s your chance to get a gift for the impossible person that has everything or deserves the perfect something.  Wreathes, furniture made from barn wood, a set of 1980′s Playboys – all available to you in Oakland, Iowa this weekend! lol.



4.  This is only the beginning.  Some really great people in Oakland are already banding together to make Oakland the town it used to be – the one that had Fall Festivals, farmer’s markets, and people waving at each other on Main Street.  In fact, they have even managed to get the Main Street declared a historical landmark this week.  So if this goes well, it will be only the beginning of the fun things we have planned.  And I do mean f.u.n. – fun!  Be part of the revival.  Be part of the solution.  Be part of the success story.



5.  Here’s the biggest reason of all, at least for me.  My great Aunt Merle used to be the curator for the museum.  She loved it with her life and devoted her every moment to it.  She’d dress up in long dresses when it was 100 degrees to promote it. I can only imagine how happy it would make her to know that her tradition is being carried on, and that it’s even being expanded upon.  So, yes, this weekend is personal.  There’s a little Bolton tradition living on in this weekend.  And just as much love for my home town…


Sometimes, people ask me why I go to so much work for something, and I just wonder why they wouldn’t.  I love my hometown.  I love that I feel safe when I go there.  I love that there are still people willing to put forth effort to make their town better and be willing to go after grants and have a vision for what could be.  And l love that 20 years later, my high school English teacher calls to ask a favor.  Isn’t that what small towns are all about?


I really hope you decide to come support a good cause.

My Aunt Merle might even offer you some chocolate-covered cashews when you get to heaven if you do… :)




9am – 7pm Saturday

9am – 4pm Sunday

Admission is $4 at the gate

(it is a donation to the Heritage Gardens at the Museum)

Come ready to spend your cash

on the unique, the original, the Oakland experience!

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: I think they missed the sign…

the inmates are restless

the inmates are restless

If only it could be that simple on a Monday!  I think I’d consider myself an inmate and steer clear, aka you’d find me at home on my couch!  But as usual, we shall haul our asses to work and lead the pack to greatness.  That’s what we do, right?  At least in our own minds. :)

Happy Monday!

Fabulousness Factor 10: Have you met my friend, Jeannine?

J Everett

J Everett

The world is full of fabulous people.  We just get told about the awful people on the news instead.  So I’m sharing my fab folks with you.  I met Jeannine on-line through my writing.  She is rockstar funny and a fabulous person.  She’s also in the process of transitioning into being teenager-free in her home after many years of writing about “the dude.”  You gotta meet her!   So I did a short interview.  Check out her answers.

Introducing Jeannine Bergers Everett -

What is your biggest annoyance/pet peeve?  (Be sure to explain yourself in full detail so we can be frustrated with you!)

1. My biggest pet peeve – I have so many, and they range from the significant to the petty. The greatest? Don’t ask for my opinion if you’ve already made up your mind. I don’t mind opining. I do it more than I should. If you ask for my viewpoint, however, it’s polite to listen to it before jumping in to tell my how misguided I am. This is especially true for trivial matters. My mother has argued both sides of the question “when making a cheese tray, does one cube the cheese, or slice it?” for at least ten years. My sisters and I have learned that there is no correct answer. We just point to each other and say “I don’t know, ask her.” This is why god gave us Cheez whiz.

Also, use your turn signals, people. That’s what they’re there for.

If you had super hero powers, what would be your first act in fixing the world? (world peace comes to mind – lol)

2. If I had super powers that could fix the world, I would reduce the disparity between the wealthy and the poor. Desperation is never a good foundation for political stability. I’m not talking socialism here, but right now the deck is way too stacked in favor of a small percentage of individuals. Food, shelter, education. Renewable, sustainable energy would be good too, along with bubble blowers in random locations. Who doesn’t like bubbles?

What’s the best advice you’ve ever gotten and who bestowed it upon you?

3. The best advice I ever got was given to me by my son, the dude. Snark that I am, my glass tends to run on the half-empty spectrum. Coming home from preschool one day, he suggested we skip to the car, since it was more fun than walking. “We ought to skip all of the time,” he said. That was the moment that I realized that happiness is not something we can find. It is. We must choose to see it. We can walk, or we can skip. We worry far too much about looking stupid, which is a waste of time, because we do anyway.

What’s your Guilty Pleasure (scrogging or Facebook stalking are both completely acceptable answers – lol)?

4. My guilty pleasure is raw cookie dough. When I was dumped by my college boyfriend, my sister and I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies that never made it to the oven. It works best with red wine to cleanse the palate. I also have a thing for Tom Hiddleston. I imagine he goes well with red wine also.

 If you have a business or a cause you’d like to promote, tell us about it here.  (It’s okay if it’s simply to Spay and Neuter your Pets!) 

5. My cause to promote – Get rid of standardized tests, including AP exams, and re-introduce flexibility into education. I’m a believer in and a product of the public school system. My son, however, spends more time preparing for exams than discussing the material he’s learning. All of the kids have the same high school classes, and every teacher is shoved into the same box. Education is really about the process, not the outcome. It’s easier to attack the problem through standardization, but it only works if every kid is the same. As a substitute teacher, I encountered a wide variety of stupidity among even the smartest of students.

 If there’s anything you’d like to add:

6. What I want to put out there? Choose the light. It’s simple, but not always easy. I view my snark not as cynicism, but a weird sort of optimism. Our world is crazy and absurd. If I can find the humor in it, perhaps I can stay on the right side of sanity. Embrace quiet. Filling our lives with business only masks the truth. The answer is usually in the silence, so take the time to experience it. Practice kindness. It gets easier the more we do it.

This sounds really cheesy, I know. Don’t ask me if it should be cubed or sliced. :)

Author’s Note:

That’s how freaking funny she is.  She even breaks out the cheese jokes!  If you wanna know more, check out her blog,  mobyjoecafe.

Also, if you’ve got a comment about this interview or something to say to Jeannine, be sure to leave it, and don’t be afraid to hit that Share key and share her with the world! :)

Bolton’s Brief Rule #152: Peyton or Martha or Mr. Miyagi-ing it

The Peyton Rule

The Peyton Rule


It never fails that the people who work the hardest to make it look the easiest (i.e. Peyton Manning or even Martha Stewart) are the envy of all and hated the most for having it so easy.  Mmm…

Honor thy Pig otherwise known as International Bacon Day!

Insert Jokes Here!

Insert Jokes Here!

So it’s International Bacon Day this weekend, and what kind of bacon lover would I be if I didn’t have a little homage to bacon on its big day?  So picture blog it is!  The kind that won’t only make you hungry, but remind you why you hang out with me!


Bacon is one of those things that sets people apart.  There are those that love bacon and there are those that don’t (even though I’m flabbergasted that those people exist). My work husband of 7 years loved bacon.  If there was a bacon something-or-other to purchase, I was buying it.  There was the bacon popcorn, the bacon-flavored toothpicks, the socks that looked like bacon, and the bacon-scented scratch and sniff bra.  No wait, that’s just one I assumed they made for women who’ve been married for 20 years or over.


Anyway, that’s beside the point.  The point is that bacon has taken over where cupcakes left off.  It is having its finest hour, but in my opinion, it’s gonna get more than an hour.  I love me some bacon!  Always have, always will.  In fact, I think I could Bubba Gump shrimp-it.

photo 2

I love me some sautéed green beans and bacon.  MMMMMMmmmmmm…  It’s a staple in our household.  Sure, they aren’t as healthy, but Who. Gives. A. Crap. When. They’re. That. Good???


photo 1

I’m also a big fan of getting my bacon a little syrup-y!  Yes, I am guilty of dipping my bacon in the vat of syrup I have covering my pancakes.  Listen people, you can live life or you can spend it skinny.  I’ll take living.


B&B Classic Dogs

B&B Classic Dogs

So you can think I’m a freak if you want.  I completely understand if you do, but if you haven’t tried a PB &B Dog at B&B Classic Dogs in Bellevue, you are freaking missing out!  No, they are not paying me to say this.  I just flipping love the peanut butter and bacon hot dog.  Hell yeah!  My family was completely shocked that I even tried it.  Can’t say I blame them, but it has 3 of my favorite ingredients:  peanut butter, bacon, and processed meats.  What’s not to love?

bacon in fridge

The only thing poor bacon can’t fix:  water chestnuts.  Ug.  Sorry, bacon, even you can’t save that gritty pile of nothingness.  But don’t you worry, I won’t hold it against you.  In fact, I will continue to worship you as I always have.

Iowa State Fair!

Iowa State Fair!


And in your honor,

I will eat you on a burger.

I will eat you on your own.

I will eat you in green beans.

I will eat you in a scone.

I will eat you lightly fried.

I will eat you wrapped ‘round a filet.

I will sniff your make-me-hungry bouquet

Every. Single. Effing. Day. because

Yes, Bacon, I will eat you every possible way!



Okay, so tell me, what’s your favorite way to eat bacon?  Will you be celebrating Bacon Day?  Have you attended any events like Baconfest?  Fill me in, people!

Bolton’s Brief Rule #151: Perfectly okay to have fries with that

It's still a Job.

It’s still a Job.


I have always loved that line from Cocktail where he says, “There are 2 kinds of people. There are workers and there are hustlers. The workers never hustle and the hustlers never work, and, you my friend, are a worker.”   Yep.  I like workers.  Not a fan of the ass-sitters that boss everyone else around.

Sucky Monday Re-Mix: size 2 and Mondays vs. plus-size and Fridays

monday not fair


Okay, I think we can agree that Mondays are like Toothpick jeans – it’s just not fair that we even have to acknowledge they exist!  There really isn’t a place in my world for toothpicks or Mondays, but I guess they both provide us with fodder to be happy for plus-sized and Fridays!

Happy Monday!