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Picking your resolution is like picking a house with good neighbors:  it’s easier said than done.  Listen, you and I both know picking your nose is a lot easier than picking your resolutions.  So are your resolutions contemplated and planned properly?  I ask because willy-nillying it isn’t going to go well. There’s all these people out there that will tell you that you need to make them small, reachable goals or you need to only pick one thing not a list of your top 25.  (Truth be told, they’re right, but I would rather talk about how to make resolutions a lot less painful.)

Don’t be a Martyr

Why is that we choose to torture ourselves to start off a new year?  Shouldn’t we go into it being hopeful and less critical of ourselves?  Would Oscar the Grouch say he needs to lose 35 pounds?  Do you think Miss Piggy looks at herself and thinks, “Damn, my thighs are rubbin’ like worn car belts?”  No, she’d be sayin’ maybe she could whip out homemade bacon ice cream with that friction.

For the love of 2014 and all things sacred to your sanity, please tell me you didn’t make a goal to lose weight!  It’s seriously detrimental to your health and well-being.  Okay, so you’re probably looking at me like, “WTH?” but it’s true.  There are very few things more horrible to your psyche than a mid-January freak-out about being a fat failure – literally and figuratively.  (Trust me, I know firsthand.)

Please don’t choose to sacrifice.  I know way too many people that go without food to lose a few pounds only to gain it back.  I know way too many people who don’t take long, hot baths and read a book so they can keep their kids’ schedule.  I know way too many people that wear underwear from 1998 because they don’t have the money after buying Jimmy new Jordans every month.  I also know way too many people that ditch watching a movie with the fam because they are answering work emails.  Um, no.  Quit being a martyr.  Do something for you.  You want to be healthier?  Perhaps you should try doing things that make you happy or actually go to sleep at a regularly scheduled time prior to midnight or take some walks around the block or floss.  See – that’s healthier and not horrible.

As a blogger, I am told I’m supposed to provide my readers with a service.  I try to provide humor and happiness, but I find most people put that at the bottom of their lists.  They sacrifice both for the sake of their to-do lists.  How ‘bout we change that in 2014?

Plan Something to Look Forward to – Make Memories

I’ve been accused of always counting down to things – Christmas, summer vacation, a Sugarland concert, etc.  And you damn right, bitches!  Nothing makes January more bearable than knowing you have something fun planned!  When was the last time you took a vacation?  Isn’t it about time you went to Jamaica, or the Statue of Liberty, or Walley World Theme Park?  Why can’t your resolution be to take trips?   Or maybe you should have date night once a month (first Friday of the month – you really do need to set a specific date and line up your babysitter now), or decide to break out the dust-collecting cook books and make 12 bacon dishes this year?  You could do one a month or make it a bacon marathon in January!  Yum! Now that would be a January to remember!   What about setting a goal to try all 52 regional beers?  All I’m saying is that resolutions don’t have to be miserable.

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Focus on Relationships

Hey, maybe 2014 can be the year of talking to your mom once a week instead of saying you need to call her, or maybe you can invite friends on that vacay with you or have game night at your house once a week with your kids.  You know, nobody says at the funeral that you were their fattest aunt, but they will say if you were the aunt that gave them their Barbie car or took them to Magic Mike (ha ha).  Relationships will make you far happier, and possibly thinner, than a cayenne-peppered grapefruit diet.

Learn to do something new

Rumor has it that you are a more interesting person when you participate in new activities and learn to do new things… mmm… Let me think.  Did I know that fun, happy people are better to be around?  Oh, yeah, no kidding.  So here’s your chance to light it up in the new year.  Go to that cake decorating class at Michael’s.  Take that pole-dancing class.  Do all that crap you saw on Pinterest.   Zip-line while you’re on that vacation to Colorado.  Learn how to plant corn by following your father-in-law around in May.  Check out the line-up at the community college or go on-line to learn how to macramé.  (I can only assume if owls are back that macramé can’t be too far behind. Lol.)

Listen, you don’t need me to tell you what you do.  You know what you like to do and what would make you happy in 2014.  All I’m sayin’ is that you don’t have to torture yourself to become a better, healthier, happier you.  As the voice of experience, there will be plenty of other people waiting in line for that opportunity, you need not be at the front of it.  Quit beating up on yourself further.  Make nice with yourself in the new year.  That’s how you make a good resolution.

Happy New Year!

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So what’s going to be your resolution?  Do you have one?  I’d love to hear it!